Christmas 08: A-FREAKING-MAZING Santa.

Alright, its the 11th. I know, 14 days until Christmas are only left, but you know what? Its not like you care. You put up your Christmas decorations around this time anyway, and then they're put down in about 2 weeks. You don't even care. So this shouldn't be any different. Better late than never. Now that THAT's over...


I drew a picture.

I wish I could put that much creativity into this season's Jlog logo, but you know what? I'm lazy. I'm a very busy man.

So I was thinking to myself just the other day what the best way to open up my little mini season here would be. I'm late, I'm lazy, and I've done nothing creative, I told myself. With that in mind, I thought all the way back to Halloween and Zombie Bernie Mac. How novel of an idea that was!, I said in my head. I should totally do something like that again!

Well, look what I found...


I got this as a Christmas present last year and kinda lost it until just now. It kinda looks like someone stabbed a thing of cardboard through the end Santa's already decapitated head and stuck boots on it.

Apparently, it works by putting this "MAGIC WATER" (all caps, by the way) in its little bowl under his boots. But after actually looking at it, I think I figured out something that might possibly result in my death.

Come on now. Does that LOOK like water? How about MAGICAL water?

It doesn't look like neither.

I opened it up and being the daredevil that puts himself on the edge for entertaining the less-than-5 people that read this blog, I took a whiff. I would say I'm a very descriptive narrator when it comes to smelling things (no that's what she saids necessary), and I mean it when I say this little packet smells like DEATH. No, wait, scratch that.


There's like a mixture of piss and chlorine going on here. Mixed with peanuts. And more piss. And maybe a little bit more chlorine. Basically, its like your average Hurricane Harbor swimming area.

It doesn't make it any much easier to swallow also knowing that there's an EFFING CRYSTAL IN IT. You can't see from the picture, but maybe 25% of the bag contains a CRYSTAL. I won't stop talking in all-caps until I make a point, THERE'S A CRYSTAL IN IT. Maybe its for mutating? Who knows.

But none-the-less, I poured this potentially lethal air poisoned bag of piss into the cup to pleasure Santa. Wait, no, I take that back. That sounds dirty.

Oh, wait, I need to give him a thoughtful and tasteful name. As always.

Say hello to Zombie Chris Farley.

The package says that it will grow in less than 24 hours, so no daily updates this time. I'll take pictures whenever the heck I feel like it.

Oh, and about the original Zombie Bernie Mac? He accidentally got thrown out before I got to take a picture of him, poor guy. The bottle he was in actually turned SQUARE somehow, and my only explanation of this phenomenon is Zombie Bernie Mac could bend space and time because he's cool like that. Or maybe I could take Chemistry class, but I like playing make-believe. Oh, and it got moldy. Really moldy.

So, uh, not all of the Christmas articles are going to be like this. I'll be delivering in bite-sized nuggets this time, with stuff I think is awesome by Josh standards and whether you should buy/eat/watch/look/snort/make-out with. You'll see.

If I can ever stop being lazy, that is.

Christmas News.


I know.

I'm way behind. The layout isn't done, I haven't started any blogs this month, and we're already well into the second week of December.

Don't worry though. I have Wednesday off, so you might get an article or two.

Be patient. :)

Christmas layout.

Its not done but I can't work on it until next week sometime.

So, uh, enjoy loud colors.

Ho ho ho.

Christmas? Christmas.

I really feel like just writing something today. I've been inside the house all day, and I can almost see the walls sweating from the heat we're getting outside. Its kind of disgusting how the rest of the world are starting to pull out their winter jackets and pull the trigger on their heat lamps, but down here in California we have to devolve to shirts and T-shirts. Super gay.

Still, even with the sweat puddles that are forming in the couch, my spirits aren't coming down. And its pretty obvious why if you've gone to a shopping mall anytime recently - Its the beginning of the Christmas season. Might as well be called Christmas in July, but its starting.

I've kind of exited out Thanksgiving from my spiritual celebration calender, and nobody really looks that much forward to turkey and mashed potatoes. Okay, well, that's a lie. Because I like to eat. But I've made it tradition to listen to Christmas music bright and early in the morning before the parade starts. And then after I see Santa Claus riding a plastic sleigh at the very end and pass Macy's, I go back and listen to more Christmas music. That's just how it works in my house.

So yeah, I guess that's all I have to say. I just wanted you to realize how freaking CLOSE IT IS until Christmas. 39 days, to be exact. To put it into perspective: 8 more days, and it will be one month. One month until presents, food, and more presents. :)

...But no presents from this guy.

But don't forget! Here on the blog there'll probably be more Christmas stuff than there were Halloween stuff. One, because I like Christmas more. Two, I get lazy in October. No, I did not just make that up.

Pepsi Effed Up.

Note: There's not much funny in this post if at all. So no comedy hour, guise. There's nothing to be funny about in this post. So if you get bored, don't say I didn't warn you...

Alright, let me just spit this out right away - I don't like Pepsi that much. It's not surprising, but I just don't. Not only do I not usually drink the cola, but I don't get the sodas they make other than Pepsi either. That includes Mountain Dew, Sierra Mist, and whatever else they make. Its just, I don't know, everything Coke does is better.

I respect Pepsi and all their 13% intake of carb-containing beverages, and I'm glad they're around. There's a lot of people who prefer Pepsi to Coke too, so I like to think of it as peaceful competition. So let me begin with a question: WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING.

"Wow, Josh," you're saying. "Just freaking calm down."

Okay. Look at this.

A Pepsi bottle, right? Seemingly ordinary, right?

Well, soak it in, as you won't be seeing it any longer.

Enter the replacement...


"Wow Josh," You say. "It's just a Pepsi bottle. Why are you so upset? I thought you didn't really like Pepsi."

I hate this redesign. Hate it hate it hate it. Bleh. They're also doing it to the Pepsi Max bottles. Here's why it shouldn't have happened:

1) The bottle/can didn't need to be changed. Apparently they've never heard of 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. You've probably seen how Pepsi just semi-redesigned their packaging anyways, by letting artists slap paint over cans and Pepsi will sell them. I thought they looked pretty awesome (minus the one with the keyboard smilies)... why couldn't they just leave it?!

2) It looks way too plain. Yes, I realize that nowadays everybody seems to be following the Apple formula, but I just can't see how it can be much of an eyecatch. I mean, Pepsi is already established as the "blue" soda on the market, but that's all it has now - a color. The only example of that really working is from Coke, but seeing as Coke is the most recognizable brand name in the United States, they don't have much of a problem. (I really did read that somewhere, but I can't find it anymore) Speaking of looking plain...

3) The design looks like something on a cheap store brand soda. It's so cheap that it looks really similar to those sodas you find at Vons. But even then, the store brands look more eyecatching than the new Pepsi bottles.

4) The Pepsi font looks almost as ugly as Comic Sans. Oy. Really Pepsi? The bottle wouldn't look half as bad as it does now if you flipped the word correctly and used a non-outdated font. Looking at this makes me think they gave some 13 year old kid a trial version of Photoshop Elements and without looking at it slapped it on a plastic bottle.

What's good out of this though? They have a new design to their classic American logo. I guess its a little easier on the eyes than the older one.

Apparently, they changed it to make it look like a "smile"

"But Josh!" You continue to plea. "I don't even LIKE Pepsi. At all. I do my best not to even look at it. All I drink is Mountain Dew, dangit!"

Then it looks like I have bad news for you too, kid.

This is what happens when our corporate overlords try to be "hip"...

You see correctly. No longer shall it be called Mountain Dew... its now MtnDew.


At least they didn't go all Pepsi on this one, and they made a nice looking background (looks like some things are still sacred down at Pepsi!). But still. Really?? MtnDew?! I mean, its better than /|\0 |_| |\| + @ |\| |)#\|/, but I still don't see a good reason for a NAME CHANGE.

Will the mad butchering ever stop?? Can't we just leave good things to their own good ways? Pepsi says no yet again...

...Actually the new Sierra Mist can looks passable. But its still kind of plain and ugly, just not as much as the Pepsi ones.

Whatever. Sprite's better.

So, uh, yeah. If you're smart like me, you'll start stocking up on the current Pepsi, Mountain Dew and Sierra Mist cans to have a memory of when Pepsi still had their minds on Earth. They'll be long gone by either December or January depending on what state you're in.

I don't know why these kinds of things make me feel like tripping everyone in the company down the stares, but I guess that's what makes me awesome. Or... something. Oh well. I'm fine with it, as long as I can be in the next big Cola riot.

Halloween's over. PARTIE'S DONE GET OUT

I'm announcing this a little late, but - surprise- Halloween is done. No more ghosts. No more vampires. No more of those little sugar candy pumpkin things I love so much.


And that includes all the Halloween festivities. No more Ghoul-Aid, Jason masks or Halloween Logos.

But why is this good?


47 Days until Christmas as of today.

Expect a lot of Christmas stuff after Thanksgiving, like usual.

And that Halloween update I was going to post? Well one part of it isn't done, and the other part I think will make a good surplus post for when I forget to post and get lazy. So I'm saving it.

New post later tonight too.

Halloween 08: Target Sale Toys.

During holidays, I tend to spend more money than usual. Not on gifts or anything, no. Usually on me. And that's what happened - I bought more stuff for me. But this time, its beneficial for you as well! Because you get to read about me enjoying things meant for me. And only me.


You're probably thinking "Why the lord did Josh buy a Mr. Potato Head?" Well... why not. It was only $5 and look how awesome it is. I haven't had one since I was like 5, so it gets you a little nostalgic I guess. And its even Halloween themed so that's why I present you with it today.

All it is is Mr. Potato Head dressed up for Halloween. But for what its worth, I think that's awesome.

$5 includes EVERYTHING THAT YOU SEE HERE. The original arms, hat, and feet plus Halloween themed accessories for pimpin yo Potato out.

I actually never realized why Mr. Potato Heads were even remotely fun. You build them, and then they just kind of sit there. As for me, I'm going to be the angsty teenager I am and gladly put up Senor Potato Head somewhere in my room all year round. Because I have no plans to make my room relevant anytime soon.

I had trouble making mine

So that's (probably not) what Halloween Mr. Potato looks like. Fun fun.

But wait! There's more! He comes with a ghost costume if vampires aren't your thing. And the eyes seem normal... but they also GLOW IN THE DARK. CAPS LOCK.


So that's basically it. But its Mr. Freaking Potato Head. What else were you expecting? An Etch-A-Sketch?

...You were?

Oh. Well in that case...

Halloween themed Etch-A-Sketch? You bet your sweet cheeks. There's nothing MORE Halloween than this baby right here!

A custom paint job featuring a HORRIBLY SCARY ghost? Check. GOREY BLOOD RED knobs? Check.


Uhh, perhaps I bought this more for the sake of owning an Etch-A-Sketch than for the Halloween factor. But you can't blame me! Plus, this is limited edition. So someday I can sell this on eBay for like a gabazillion dollars.

Look, I even drew a beautiful picture.

...Its supposed to be a man in a hat grinning. I kinda messed up sort of. A lot.

...This is boring. Hey, maybe you'll appreciate what I got in Burger King a couple weeks ago! A fireman dressed iDog which is apparently the reincarnation of Hitler! Happy day!

Adolf Hitler? More like ADOG HITLER. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!111111 Adorable.

Look, his evil soul even shines through his cute wittle face.

Hurray for Halloween.

PS. It may be the last day of the season (not counting Halloween itself), but I have more Halloween stuff on the way. Even after Halloween. But it'll probably be only one post. And I wasn't here for so long because I got sick and went to Atlanta. I'm awesome like that. Sorry.

Halloween 08: Grow Your Own Goblin.

You see them every year around the holidays. They're always in grocery store aisles next to the cheap toys. You even see them in those 50 cent machines at Best Buy. They're those 'Grow Your Own...' things. I would call them toys, but seriously, what much else can you do with them other than but them in a bowl and watch them get big?

Well, I could blog about it, that's what.

So yeah. This is my Grow Your Own Goblin. And just for fun and chuckles, I'll be updating with a picture of how much he grows every day that I can. Why? Because EVERY Halloween celebrating website needs a Grow Your Own Goblin somewhere on it. The world would very much be a better place, trust me.

Look at the little guy. He looks kind of dead. Actually, more of a zombie with an afro if you look hard enough. That's why I call him Zombie Bernie Mac! His skin color seems orange, but FALSE, hes really just dirty from sitting underground for a while. No biggie.

But... surprise PLOT TWIST, right when you didn't expect it! Forget Heroes. Lost SUCKS. Zombie Bernie Mac has a little trick up his sleeve, you see.

Zombie Bernie Mac is going somewhere where no Bernie Mac has GONE BEFORE.

He will be growing in a bowl of water, right? Hahaha- WRONG.

That's right, kids! Zombie Bernie Mac will be attempting to grow in the rhyming-ly DEADLY bottle of Jack Black! Yup, Jack Black. No, I didn't name it.

And - WHOA - he's getting ready to jump!

Uh oh - it looks like he's having second thoughts JUST before going off the high dive into Jack Black.

Remember, Zombie Bernie Mac has a lot to live for if he somehow misses the target. He has his own show, The Zombie Mac Show, and the upcoming Ocean's Fourteen, which is still being made after Mr. Mac's death, although its reported to be renamed Ocean's Fourteen Minus 1.


He jumped... but... erm... he's stuck.

*cough* So, uhh, all was going well until this happened.


But don't worry! With my 99% muscle tone, I could easily beat him in. Which is what I did.

And thus, Zombie Bernie Mac begins his journey to grow "600% TIMES HIS ORIGINAL SIZE". Check back almost every day to see an updated picture and to see if - hopefully! - he gets so huge he either breaks the bottle or morphs into the shape of a bottle.

What, you thought I plunged him into Jack Black just for looks?

...No, I am NOT an alcoholic.


Halloween 08: Pumpkin Ice Cream

Yeah, yeah, you might be thinking - when does this guy ever stop talking about (Halloween) food? Well, if you didn't learn from the last time of me saying it, you may as well get off. I like food. And I especially like festive food with added Orange food coloring. Besides, I'm sure you like food too. You only eat it everyday. Halloween should be no different, right?

Well I have something you might actually want to buy this time!

Admittedly the candy I posted about wasn't very Halloween-y (lol). Even though it was good of course, it doesn't bring out anything in particular, and you're left sitting on the table feeling like you're in any other month of the year. You feel horrible. It doesn't help any that Camarillo has been like 95 degrees the past week. Well, you're in luck today sir. Why?

Because Dreyer's Limited Edition Pumpkin Ice Cream(R) tastes like fall in an effing bowl.

I actually stumbled upon this last year, but seeing as it's only available until Thanksgiving I thought you'd want to hear about it.

It doesn't taste like pumpkin pie, which is a plus because I hate pie (cake all the way niiiiiiggs). And it doesn't even taste like JUST pumpkin either. It's a near perfect combo of pumpkin and spice. Seriously. You can taste the spiciness of it in your mouth. You may think you're eating one of those really good seasonal scented candles, but you probably aren't. Although thats probably what makes this taste so good. In that case, maybe I've developed a taste for melted wax. Hmm.

I can't really say much else about it other than it's really freaking good. Even when you eat it all, you have spicy pumpkin breath. You can't get much more festive than that... actually, if you were to eat this pumpkin ice cream in your cheap grocery store costume while watching that Charlie Brown Halloween special on ABC, I think that would be even better.

Here's what the entire thing looks like in stores if you're going to buy...
No, I don't work for Dreyer's, but I like to think I'm a very nice product endorser

Need yet another reason to pick up this stuff? It's only like $5. Come on, what else are you going to use that 5 bucks on? Your Falls Outs Boys and Panics at the Discos songs can wait, spend your hard-earned money on ice cream. You deserve it. Really!

...Yeah, I know, more pictures than content today, but hey, its not like I didn't update at all. Also check back tomorrow for maybe another update and at least a mini one.

...And yeah, I know all I've had was food so far this month, but that's all I could get my grubby hands on. Don't worry, I should have more in store... I think.

...And also, I am very much aware that there are like a gazillion That's What She Saids in this post. :)

Halloween 08: Halloween Candy, Part 1

I don't think anybody has a surefire answer why kids go crazy over candy during Halloween in particular. I also don't think I really need to care, but whoever said "Hey guys, lets give the snot-noses of the town free candy!" way back in the day is a freaking genius. In fact, genius enough to realize that Delicious Candy + Senseless Killing and Horror = PERFECT HOLIDAY is a great hero in my book. Maybe not up there with the dude who sells Shamwow at 3 AM in the morning, but still high enough to be a good hero.

But anyways I decided to buy some Halloween candy. I like to think I deserve it.
"Gloomy Glasses" with Candy

First thing I wanted to buy, being the sophisticated gentleman I am, was this... thing. I wasn't really sure what it was, but IT CAME WITH FREE GLASSES. Forget the candy, I'm just in for the sweet shades! I mean, look at these things...

I think the reason I wanted these in the first place was because I knew deep down that it would could very potentially make me the coolest guy at school. I mean, I was already awesome before owning these, but I could possibly go up 5 meters on the cool cool glasses radar. What with their poorly sticked-on mouth and nose stickers and each lens looking like a skull, it just shows a statement on how -...okay maybe I'll just take the candy.

...And that's all that was in the bag. I kind of thought there was supposed to be something that had to do with the glasses, like the candy being inside them, but they kind of just came separately. I bet that the creators of this candy were so cheap that they went to one of those machines you find at Best Buy, took the orange and white ones, and labeled them as skeleton bones. Very bummed and near tears, I ate the candy. All it tasted like was sugar. But whatever gets you a sugar high, I guess. But hey, alls well that ends well...

...No, I couldn't see anything.

Harry Potter "Blood" Pops

So the second thing I acquired was these Harry Potter lollipop things. Thinking of those Harry Potter jellybeans with the delicious flavors I thought what the heck. I thought wrong, however, not knowing these blood pops... MAKE YOUR GUMS BLEED.

Okay not really. But they really didn't look any more exciting (or any different for that matter) than a normal cherry flavored lollipop. The only thing you can notice from the wrapper is that there's a "powder" on it and a bunch of food coloring was spilt onto the stick. Dangit Harry...

For all I know these things could be laced with crack and I wouldn't even notice. Knowing the fate of a million little kids were in my hand, however, I took the chance and experimented.

Like I thought, its just a cheap cherry lollipop with a Harry Potter brand name. But hey! It's Halloween! So I don't even care!


Yeah, it's not candy, and I have no pity for you if you thought I'd stick to just what I was going to do (I have BlogADD).

Anyways, I know they come out with these every year, but I like them so much that I have to talk about them. Because Nabisco can sell anything to me if they put a "Halloween" in the name.

Few things can receive the tender love I give like Halloween Oreos get. And I think that thing would be crack. For reasons unknown, I would eat Halloween Oreos year round over regular Oreos. Not only do they introduce cookies with the imprints of ghosts, bats, and pumpkins, they just taste better. I'm thinking they mix crack in with the Yellow 6 creme coloring.

They also allow me to deliciously eat the not-so living guts out of them.

Yes, I do enjoy acting like a 6 year old.
Keep watching for more cookie killing candy reviewing action!

Halloween 08: Buried Pomegranate Jones Soda!

I guess I would say I'm a festive person. For example, I've been counting down every single day until Christmas since the day after last Christmas. I think holidays are not only cool because it gives people an excuse to do holiday things, but because its an excuse for big money companies to cash off your love for said holiday things. Go anywhere during the month and you'll see product placement, candy, TV specials, movies, lawn decorations, soda, food, etc. It may seem that the guys who make all the stuff are just trying to get you to buy it and benefit off of your love of the day, and really that's all it really is. But you and I both know everyone loves it and is basically what makes holidays - and this case, Halloween.

And that's why I'm going to start a month-long of Halloween relevant posts with - surprise - a Halloween relevant post.

Halloween Jones Soda anyone?
Buried Pomegranate!

Its kind of a fact that everyone who's anyone has had at least one Jones Soda in their lifetime. I don't really think I need to introduce it, but if you forgot, they're the big bottles with brightly colored liquid inside and there's a wrapper with home pictures on the outside of little kids doing something dumb.

Along with the usual CRAAAAAAZY flavors (Berry Lemonade, Root Beer, Green Apple, Crushed Melon, etc.), around the later months they start selling seasonal sodas. Way back in 2003, they experimented by selling a new soda in November with a flavor simply titled "Turkey and Gravy". And yes, it really tasted like turkey and gravy. It sold so well that they've been releasing special holiday drinks for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas... but they decided to keep the Turkey and Gravy train going.

For Halloween, its a little different though - they only sell the new flavors in snack-size cans in 4 packs, but the good thing is there's 3 new flavors every year with a pun in the name. Because I'm cheap and all of my finances go towards Rock Band, I got only one (not like I needed all of them) - Buried Pomegranate.

Like all Jones Sodas, it was colorful - this time that color was pink. I don't even think anyone regularly sells pink colored soda on account of it looking really gay. Does it turn you gay if you drink it? If you're straight and drink it, does it make you throw up rainbows and tight pants? These were questions I hoped I didn't have to answer.

Besides thinking of really lame jokes, I took a drink.

And, well, it's actually really good.

It smells a LOT like pomegranate (and luckily not dirt-smelling BURIED pomegranate), and tastes like it too. There's not enough sugar or stickiness to make you feel gross either... it's no Berry Lemonade. Its pretty nice and light with no side of spewing rainbows.

As with anything Jones creates, I give it a thumbs-up. And if you're really lucky, I'll buy the other new flavors and tell you how those are too before you buy a bottle of liquidized crap. And on that note, I'll end this sadly lack of picture-filled post with some creepy picture I must have taken on accident:

Yes, I'll be updating with more awesome articles than this one but give me a break, I spent like almost three hours making the layout. No, I don't have anything better to do...

I live in Somis =/