DuckTales... RAHH-VEWW-OOU (see what I did there?)

Well, men, we've made it.
First Jlog Summer Jamboree post GO!
...*cough* An'ways...

I want you to go back in time for a second. Remember a time when it was worth getting up Saturday mornings with your bowl of sugar-coated cereal and superhero pajamas? A time when the only good shows for your near-ADD brain were shown on weekends? A time when those shows were actually GOOD?

That time, my friends, was anytime before 2000. On specific topic, the 1980s. Yes, the 80s... the era of bright colors, large hair, and, of course, Madonna. But the 80s were known to not only delight small children with explicit songs - they also had great cartoons.

But perhaps the greatest of all was the Disney-produced DuckTales.

Yup, DuckTales. I know that the people reading this probably weren't alive during the original run (including me, but they still showed it afterward you know...), I'll give you a recap: Donald Duck leaves Huey, Dewey, and Louie to their rich jerkwad great uncle, Scrooge McDuck. Which doesn't make sense for the following reasons:
1) Where's the parenting here? "I have to leave my nephews with someone... let's just choose the guy who used to treat me like crap as a kid!"
2) Why is Scrooge still mean? Where's the continuity from Mickey's Christmas Carol?
3) This doesn't have to do with really anything but... why is everyone in Duckburg (other than Donald's family)... DOGS?
4) ...WTF is a "great uncle"??

But yeah. In a nutshell, Uncle Scrooge and the nephews have to fight bad guys and protect their fortune and find treasure and... well, it gets pretty random. But all that matters is how amazing that show was. I remembered this, having not seen the show in years, and decided why not just watch the pilot?

So... I did, of course.

After watching the intro, I remembered how beautiful that opening sequence is, you know. It's the first episode, nobody knows whats going on, but the ducks don't care. They'll adventure all they want!

That's what I used to love about 80s and 90s TV show intros. Nothing made sense to the average viewer. In DuckTales, the intro was so packed-full of action that once you finish, you may need to clean up after you spew all over the couch!*
*you won't really spew.

Here, we experience ADVENTURE LIKE NEVER BEFORE, including the ducks walking down some stairs, diving into some money, kissing sharks, and EVEN laughing. HOLY SMOKES! Of course, they also do some mummy awakening, robots playing hockey, and falling into lava pits, if you're into that sort of crap. Which I know you are personally not.

But enough of this. Into the actual episode.

We open with ol' Scrooge McDuck diving into his huge pit of gold. It shows him swimming threw it, jumping in and out, you know, the usual shmeel. But, I shout UNREALISTIC. You know why? Have you ever tried to swim through gold coins? It ain't easy. The coins are hard to push, you know. And when you dive into METAL coins, it kind of hurts. Plus, how do you breath??


Then Scrooge realizes he has to pick up his nephews. He gets on his evenin' clothes and takes a walk through the city, pimp-slapping whoever asks him for money as he walks by. (What, you thought he just HAD the money? ...I keed, I keed...)

So Donald Duck is there, hands over his kids, and says he's joining the Navy.


Since when did the government accept ducks into military positions?! These kind of things make me pissed to be an American. A duck has a higher and better job than me. A HUMAN.

Anywho, Scrooge is all like "BAAAH" and doesn't really care that he is a father now. He also makes the children walk THREE MILES to his house, although you see him take a cab to the dock where they meet. I don't think Scrooge really minds... his webbed feet have SOCKS ON. Do the kids? No. Child abuse. No, even worse.


Huey, Dewey, and Louie get there... but are issued the attic. Scrooge McDuck tells his butler to watch the kids while he's working his hoes at the candy factory.

They precede to be severely neglected, until days later the butler returns up to the attic to give them a letter from Donald.

He tells them about the Navy and things like that. Donald is a true American hero, you know. He single-handedly defeated Hitler during World War II, after all.

Later on, the runts sneak into Scrooge's job, ninja like.

Scrooge gets pissed.

In the above picture, Scrooge is getting ready to give a nice back-slappin' show the kids around the delightful candy factory!

Later, however, the nephews get into more trouble by finding one of Scrooge's antique boats. Scrooge yells some more. Nephews don't mean it. Yadda yadda yadda.

Then we meet the Beagle Boys. They're in jail, but the cops are stupid enough to allow them to get gifts. Which, of course were bombs. This Beagle Boy ate one, hence the beautiful picture I took. They escaped. No effort from cops to catch them, though. It's a cartoon.

The Beagle Boys had to find the mysterious El Capitan to find out why he sent them bombs. He told them to get Scrooge's ship. Gee, you think? Why else would they put importance on the ship earlier? Oh well, I guess I'm just observant. Or something.

So, here, we see a half naked Scrooge McDuck being washed by his butler. It wasn't long until I said it was gay. Scrooge also talks about how the nephews aren't that bad, and that he was going to make it up to them in the morning....

Also, somewhat disturbingly, Huey, Dewey, and Louie watched an old man bathe for a short period.

Duckburg is effin messed up.

The kids run away, only to find the Labrador Boys attempting to steal that boat thing. We learn there is a treasure map inside the boat! HOLY CRAP

The nephews save the day however, and the Chihuahua Club seem to escape RIGHT when Scrooge comes in the room, to see Huey and those other guys with rhyming names.

They get severely beaten.

But the next day, they went to the Austrailian Shepherd Gang's hideout and take the ship. Scrooge believes them and everythings nice and stuff YAY THE END

I know I didn't really explain the end. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. They save the day and stuff, like every cartoon does. And hug.

Well, thanks for reading my professional review. I hope to be featured in my very own television broadcast someday. Yup.

Oh, almost forgot, I have a present for you.

Yup, the best theme song in the freaking world for you to feast your ears upon. Enjoy. Put it on your iTunes, whatever. I don't even care.

Also, if you look to your right (actually, scroll up and THEN look to your right), there's a poll sitting there. I want you to keep checking it and vote please. It just might cause WORLD HUNGER TO END. True fact, you know.



Taylor. said...

taylorsaysello09 (3:02:51 AM): with that big ole' cane he probably has a few whores up his sleeve.
yourheadaspl0de (3:02:54 AM): his money doesn't come from no where, you know!

The 80's were whack fool. :D
'Cause they were on crack.
Not acid.

Kevin said...

not bad not bad at all