Return of the King.

And by that I mean two things:

1) ME.
2) The subject of tonight's post.

You should know by now how lazy and unproductive I get for the three out of four seasons of the year, and the moment Summer starts it all just explodes into a post-a-day brilliance you saw last Summer. Or you didn't, because you probably didn't read it. But seriously, you shouldn't just go take a look-see at the old writin's. They're, like, ew. No pictures. But yeah, I'm redesigning the blog so thats why everything has been in shambles. And as for the lack of content... no excuses, I'm a horrible person, yada yada yada.

Anyways! I've brought you here tonight to discuss something that just CAN NOT be ignored. If aliens were to land on the planet Earth with chocolate cake, I don't think this occurence could ailenate the one I'm about to talk about. This is so catastrophically big that even the rebirth of Jesus couldn't take the spotlight (sorry Jesus, we still cool right?).

What, am I talking about you ask?

It's the return...
of...

SHAMROCK SHAKES AT MCDONALD'S.


YEAH, I SAID IT.

SHAMROCK FREAKING SHAKES.



You don't even know how excited I was when I found these again. I was walking down the street with some people when one of my friends threw out in a monotone voice "Hey, I guess the Shamrock Shake's back." I know now how completely retarded I must have looked, but I honestly just stopped. And stared across the street at McDonald's. And held my mouth open unconsciously. And then some other things happened too. But I'm pretty sure my mind exploded.

Back in the late '90s I would go to McDonald's almost every day in March JUST for the festive Shamrock Shake. I was crazy about these things. I think I loved them more than life itself. Well, maybe that's not true, but it certainly did make St. Patrick's Day special for me and my friends around then.

So, if you've been living under an anti-awesome-things rock for the past 30 years, here's a little history lesson for you.


You might have thought the 1980s were all about heavy mousse usage, time traveling, pink tuxedos, and Duran Duran, but little did you know that, along with New Coke, the Shamrock Shake was the most long-lasting and greatest invention to come out of the period. McDonald's felt they weren't already subliminally brain washing kids through advertising enough, so they started producing commercials starring McDonaldland's Grimace and his very own uncle, Uncle O'Grimace, telling kids to celebrate Saint Patty's by drinking green milkshakes. Creative, isn't it? I guess they thought celebrating a special milkshake for Black History Month featuring Lil' Grimma would have been too controversial.

Anyways, the public still ate it up (wow, two puns in one post!), so much in fact that they added it to their seasonal dessert menu. One year, McDonald's even added a Shamrock Sundae to the roster. And well, its needless to say Ronald and the Hamburgler took a couple vacations with all the money they so shamelessly took. So, remember this, young business models: desserts based on racial profiling earns you tons of money!

According to McDonald's, Irish people are green

But, sadly, those days are gone. McDonald's have moved on to bigger and easier-money-related things. Shamrock Shakes were discontinued since at least 2000, when they began phasing them out. And even before that, Uncle O'Grimmacy stopped molesting little kids' minds in the late '90s.

It was a devastating blow to the millions of customers around the world. I mean, just look at what has happened since McDonald's discontinued the beloved shake. 9/11 occured. Hurricane Katrina swamped up houses. Even Nickelback became a best-seller. I believe Bush only started to become a sad president thanks to his quench for a Shamrock Shake through the years as well.

But, those days are over. We have OBAMA NOW. And I guess electing an African American president has already shown its effect on the world: McDonald's finally resurrected the Shamrock Shake. Hallelujah! 2009 is the best year in like the history of the WORLD.


So, what is a Shamrock Shake basically? All it is is a mint flavored milkshake. That's GREEN. Like, REALLY green.

Yeah. That's all it is.

"But wait a second, bucko!" you cry out from your spinny office chair. "I can get mint milkshakes anywhere! Why is one being sold by a clown any different?"

Well, that's exactly what I thought when I retried the Shamrock Shake for the first time in around 10 years. The moment I took my first sip, I realized it tasted EXACTLY the same as how I remembered it, and that taste... is pretty okay. I mean, its just mint. But for some reason you just can not forget or deny how good the shake really is. Its cheap... but its comforting. Kind of like coming home from college to see that your family dog and best friend growing up passed away... but hey! Look at that, there's a hot juicy meatloaf on the counter, just like Mom used to make. If you see what I mean.

That caused me to think, though. Why did I think these were the best thing since Vault back in the day? Was I an ignorant kid, with no other personal taste preferences to feed off of (oh wow, third pun)? Why were these the epitamy of St. Patrick's Day?

My guess? They didn't have juice boxes filled with Guiness at the time.

This girl is obviously thrilled for a Shamrock Shake.

So, that's pretty much all I have to say about the Shamrock Shake. It's delicious, but not really delicious, but is still addicting for reasons unknown. I say pick one up during March. It'll be just like the '90s all over again. You can come over to my place and we'll watch old Hey Arnold! reruns and play Pogs while listening to Nirvana and drinking Capri-Sun. Just like old times.


BONUS!

Guess what I'm drinking right now.

Yeah, you guessed correctly. Vault.

BUT... now guess WHAT I'M DRINKING IT IN.

I made a video.



Hey. Don't be jealous for my rave cup and video editing skills.

Miserable Syrup - An Independent Film.

Click here to watch in High Definition

"One man's life is pushed to the limit when the mind's boundaries becomes too much for him... and the key is maple syrup.


This brilliantly made independent film production tugs on the heartstrings, reaches into the bowels of the psyche, and pulls out your most loved organs and crushes them. Touching. Moving. Excellence. Stuffed Animals."

PaRappa the Rappah!

Long time no see, nigglets! School has been pretty alright. The classes have gotten better for the most part, but my math teacher still has no problem trying to show off his crotch every once in a while.

But that's not what I'm here to tell you about! Today I'm here to talk to you about the best game you've never played, nor heard of.Yeah, you read correctly.

If I had to take one game from my childhood that would lead up to the awesomeness that I am today, this would be it. PaRappa the Rapper came out all the way in '96 for the PlayStation. My sister would always go to this CD store in Camarillo (like people do that anymore), and they always had a wall full of a couple PS1 games for some random reason. One night when I was like 7 my sister came home with some game she thought would be insanely random to play because it had a dog with a microphone on the cover. And needless to say, it was.

You already know its awesome.

The story of the game is about PaRappa, a dog living out life trying to impress his best lady friend Sunny Funny, which is a walking flower. Along with their friends PJ (a teddy bear) and Katy (a cat), PaRappa must learn how to go through certain scenarios in "episodes" (levels) of the game, such as learning to fight, drive, bake cakes, and even hold his bladder for extended periods of time! Yeah, you may be thinking this is the most ridiculous game you've ever heard of, but wait- there's more! Did I mention everybody is made of PAPER?

...And I ain't talkin' bout no plumber.

The beginning of the game starts off with PaRappa and his friends hanging out at some burger joint when -BAM!- the "neighborhood bully" jumps in wanting to take quote-on-quote "munchies" from the friends. He then spots Sunny and starts to harass her! What does PaRappa do? Nothing... because he can't fight. At that moment, Joe Chin the superhero dog jumps in, and throws the bully out! Sunny is grateful, and Joe Chin asks if she wants to ditch the antromorphic animals to hang out with him- a STRONG anthromorphic animal! She agrees, leading PaRappa to get the "dog"house blues (HAHAHA IM SO FUNNY). How can he impress Sunny? By learning the way of self-defense!

Training how to fight with Chop Chop Master Onion!

The actual game isn't too difficult, either - its kind of like prehistoric Guitar Hero... or something. Each episode has a "leader", who begins the first line of the rap. As the leader raps, a track will move from left to right on the top of the screen, which shows buttons on the controller. You'll know where they are when the leader's head scrolls across the buttons. You don't get a long time to study, but when the leader is finished, you... well, follow. You have to press the same buttons in order at the exact right time, leading you to finish the rhyme of rap. It depends on what level you're on, but most of the time you'll repeat lines of what the leader says while PaRappa follows on screen completing the commands. Sometimes however, you'll get to respond with an entirely new line, such as an actual song or witty comebacks.

What happens if you miss the command as it goes by? PaRappa usually does something retarded on screen, like saying "Oops" or "OHH!" instead of what he was supposed to say until you failed. Later in the game, when it gets harder and faster, you might press a different button over the other one, which prompts PaRappa to say a RANDOM WORD. Say the phrase you were supposed to say was "Putting the cake in the oven!" (which is actually a thing he does say) and you really mess up. PaRappa might rap with a "Putting the oven in putting cake!" or something messed up, while on screen you get booed, and if you keep messing up, the background will either light on fire, PaRappa will fall, or the leader will get PISSED.

And I mean PISSED. They'll litterally start yelling at you instead of making a rap.

U rappin' GOOD.

The right side of the screen shows a meter that you have to keep up to make sure you pass the episode. Try to stay in good, as you'll need it to pass (who would've known?). Once you mess up a couple times in a row, though, you'll drop to bad. The music will get more tense, and the background will start to enter a fray of MADNESS. Once you mess up even more, and drop down to awful, the music barely sounds normal, the background will be alllllllll messed up, and your leader will be ready to backslap the smiling PaRappa. Once you fail awful, you're done. Music fades off, the leader tells you how much you suck, and PaRappa usually makes a hilarious "Awwwwwwww, man..."

But, if you're insanely amazing, you'll get past good to cool. The only way to get to this rank is if you're an experienced anthromorphic video game rapper, meaning you know the right way to improv.

Yeah, you can improv, but this doesn't mean pressing random buttons to hear PaRappa shout "OOPS" 10 times in a row. If theres space left on the track, and you allign it with the beat to the point that it makes sense still, PaRappa won't scream in terror, and actually continue using words from the phrase. Doing this correctly a couple times will result in becoming cool, apparently. You'll be so freaking cool that the leader usually gets called from someone to go somewhere else, while you're left on your own. This means you get to improv and press buttons for a while making your own rap! But, once you stop making sense ("Driving driving car driving hit the brake car!") the leader will come back, and you'll go back to good.

Hard to explain, but its easy when you play it. Here's a video of the episode where PaRappa forgets about Sunny's birthday and has to make a cake on TV... WITH A TALKING CHICKEN:



The cutscenes in this game are really freaking intense. If you have PlayStation laying around, I think you owe it to yourself to play this insanely fun game. Come on- you've been working hard, and I think its time you learn about flea markets from a homeless frog.

Seriously - I don't make this stuff up.

Hey, PaRappa the Rapper was awesome enough to spawn a sequel for the PlayStation 2 back in 2002, a cartoon series in Japan, and even a couple CDs. Now THAT'S intense.

To tell you the truth, the only reason this game was brought to mind was from the geniuses behind Mega64's new PaRappa skit. I thought it was hilarious and was totally spot on.


So yeah. PaRappa is crazy, and there's tons of videos on YouTube. Check em' out.

Oh, also, here's a preview to my next video game related article...

Burger King Potato Chips!

I promised you an article today, and here it is, early!

A couple weeks ago (that same weekend that I had received a guest article from Aidan) the parents went up to the usual liquor store where we buy random soda and candy every once in a while. Apparently this time they found something stranger, however...

Burger King "Flame Broiled Flavored Potato Snacks"!

So, uh, there's a lot of questions to be asked about this picture, I'm presuming. What exactly is a "Flame-Broiled" flavor? How does it taste like anything relating to Burger King? Why can't we just get Whopper-flavored chips?

I had no idea what to think about this. The bag looks inviting, but they never explained what flame-broiled apparently tastes like. I was starting to think they intentionally flavor-blasted them with rusty stove metal from some Burger King in LA.

I decided to investigate this further and looked on the back...

Actually, its 54 years.

Not once on the back of the bag did they mention anything regarding the potato-snacks in question. At this point I was beginning to lose hope in the King. First it was the promise of a Pikachu plush which they didn't deliver, and now chips without an actual flavor.

But wait-

"Crispy punch" in the "hearty flavor".

Now we're going somewhere!... well, kinda. The corporate overlords describe the snack as hearty, crispy, and crunchy, but again nothing about the actual chip. Which worried me. If the makers can't even slightly describe the taste, are they even licensed to make junk food?

That's when I realized that I've been had.

The chips weren't meant to taste good! They were just buying on the crowd of people who were curious about what a Burger King chip would taste like. Like me.

Still, I had to finish my quest and open up the bag...

The smell got out fast...

Upon opening the bag (wrapper?) a really strong smell escaped.

And without a doubt that was the worst smelling chip I've ever smelled.

I can't even describe it. It just... stinks. I also was disappointed to discover only a quarter of the bag had the rancid potatoes in it. Another marketing ploy - making the bag bigger that it should have been for more cash from a gross smelling chip.

Now... it was time to taste it.

...

...
....
.....
......
.....
....
...

...Chip tastes like butt.

It doesn't taste like a cheeseburger. Doesn't taste like fries. Doesn't taste like a milkshake. Doesn't taste like "fire". It just tastes like crap.

Despite what the wrapper says, it's not even that crispy. It's actually pretty soft, making it even WORSE - it's like eating a thin piece of week-old Bloomin' Onion. It left a really gross aftertaste in my mouth too, and sadly that Vault can you saw in the background was empty.

Ugh. I can still smell them even though they're on the other side of the table. I need a sandwhich now.

So, in conclusion, they probably just blended together old onions, a rotten pepper, and soft potatoes. As Tom Dickinson would say "Rotten Burger King chip smoke. Don't breath this."

But hey, at least these expire on my birthday.

BONUS! Want to see how much I hate Burger King Flame Broiled Potato Snacks? Well, here's a video!

Go to the actual YouTube video page to watch in high-quality

THE JLOG NEWS: STAY CLASSY SAN DIEGO

HOLY CRAP AN UPDATE WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA

Your face when you went to the blog.

Yeah, I'm not being completely neglectful. I've not forgotten the dear Jlog, I've just been way lazy these past few weeks and busy too (if that makes sense).

You should notice a couple things... first, all the colors changed around! Well, yup, they are. Second, there's a new logo! Celebrating going back to school! YAY! And third, before you start complaining, I know it isn't up to par with my old ones, but it's not going to be on there forever so deal with it. And the actual "the JLOG" logo looks off because I accidentally deleted it off my computer forever IT WAS UGLY SO I CHANGED IT.

Oh, make sure you vote in the nice little poll on the right there. Just make me feel important by putting it there, okay?

Oh, here's someone I want you to meet...

This is Charles the video camera.

Yeah, I got the video camera I've been wanting for a really long time. I got some video plans, but I need to start a roundtable discussion or something and gather a couple friends to make sure we can make some quality videos TOTALLY on par with Smosh. (okay, maybe not... plus Smosh is pretty lame...)

Not only does it have a 30-gig built in harddrive and take 1080p HD video, it also takes pictures!

A picture straight from Charles just before that other picture was taken!

Pretty awesome, I know. With this new-found power, I can take video and pictures of random things for even MORE in-depth coverage of random food items, toys, or whatever. Me and Charles hang out a lot, so I'll probably be able to catch something weird if I'm out.

EDIT: Oh, I forgot... this is a video I took from my cousin's birthday this weekend. Here's the other cousin, Kyle, doing stuff. LOOK AT THAT HD WHOA

Click on the actual YouTube link to watch in HD because it looks way better. And in HD and stuff.

I just wanted to write that I'm still here and about recent news and all, but tomorrow I PROMISE I'll write a new something-something. I have this "item" right next to me, just so I won't forget.

Because I love you all so much.

...And sorry for the lack of wit in this post. COME BACK TOMORROW ALRIGHT BYE GUYS
Uh, oh yeah, sorry about the Summer Jamboree. I got bored. But times like these call to use a quote most-often said by the Oakland Raiders... hey, we'll get em next year!

Un-Classified: Jamba Juice's Secret Menu!

So, I didn't have homework tonight, but I do have French finals tomorrow that I haven't started to study for yet. I'm on the brink of a B, too. But what did I give it up for? Why, to update my blog, of course!

...I have no idea what 'Jamba' means.

Anyways, you've probably been to Jamba Juice before, I assume. They're healthy, and got some nice smoothies of the fruit. That's it right? Hahahahahaha- NO.

I'd like to point to another fine food-stuffs establishment, this way, please.

Grease!

Every Californian has a special place in their heart for In-N-Out, unless of course you are the devil. They serve burgers (you wouldn't tell by just looking at the sign, huh?) with only a couple menu items - Hamburgers, Double-Doubles, Fries, drinks and shakes. That's really it. But, the most "in" people know about what lies behind that... the Secret Menu.

Although not being so secret at all anymore, if you go to your friendly neighborhood In-N-Out and ask for a 4 by 4, a Neapolitan shake, and Animal Style fries, they'll know exactly what you're talking about. A x by x (replace x's with numbers) is a hamburger with whatever number of meat by whatever number of slices of cheese you want, Neapolitan shakes are milkshakes with all three flavors, and Animal Style fries or burgers are a mixture of onions, Thousand Island dressing, and pickles.

So how does this relate to Jamba Juice? Well, I've came across their very own (and well hid) Secret Menu.

FACT: This picture was only added to make this post look pretty.

So, here's what you do. Go into a Jamba Juice on a relatively busy day, and just walk up to the counter politely and ask for a White Gummy Bear. If the people working there aren't complete idiots, they should know what you're talking about. Basically a White Gummy Bear is made to taste almost exactly like a melted white gummy bear (don't worry, they don't really use gummy bears). You can also order Strawberry Cheesecake, Peanut Butter + Jelly, Starburst, Skittles, Push-Up Pop, or even Red Gummy Bear flavors. There are a few more, but I can't really confirm if they're real or not until I try them all.

How did I learn about this? Well, actually, I heard about it on the Mega64 podcast a couple weeks back, so I started asking around and sure enough, I found that it was true. Just go in and ask, maybe surprise the crowd!

I'm going to try my first White Gummy Bear tomorrow, and I'll review it when I get back. Other than that though, tomorrow I need to study a lot, because I have an Algebra final (which I'm horrible at) and a final on Romeo and Juliet (which I'm also bad at remembering).

...Two more days of school left.

Soda Cans, Indiana Jones, and Disneyland

Yeah, sorry, I know. This post isn't going to be a huge article with me insulting kids. And its probably just going to be about random things I can think off the top of my head. But I just can't write 5-star articles EVERY day, and also try to include that I have school tomorrow and I've been working on freaking math all night. But the little hamster running the wheel in my brain will give you what it can.

- So I went to the store and bought some Cokes, right? Well, take a look at it...

In Soviet Russia, Coke drinks YOU!

Even though the glare kind of covers it, instead of Coca-Cola it says Koka-Kona. As in its in Russian. I guess Coke is doing some Olympic collection of 5 different languaged Cokes. Pretty intense. Speaking of soda cans...

- Dr. Pepper is promoting the new Indiana Jones movie. So their cans have a picture of a character from the CGI fest of a movie (which, actually to be fair, wasn't that bad). I got one with the kid from Transformers...

Optimus Jones... I'm so clever.

I love Dr. Pepper. But now I while I drink, I can read this engaging description about Mutt: "REBELLIOUS RENEGADE... RELUCTANTLY SEEKS INDY'S HELP". ...In the movie hes actually not that rebellious. At all. But that's marketing for you I guess...

AND SPEAKING OF INDIANA JONES...

- Today in Disneyland the kicked off the "Summer of Adventure" with Indiana Jones running everywhere. Just for the record, I love Disneyland. Its my favorite place ever because I can't ride/don't like roller coasters. Bleh. But even if I did, I can't go a year without mouse ears and pineapple whip.

In this picture, Indy readys for his ROUNDHOUSE KICK.

What they did was make random Indy "events" for Adventureland, where at any given time, they'll have some bad guy and Henry Jones Jr. fight on buildings, in the Rivers of America, or on the Tarzan Treehouse bridge. They also give out maps to find clues for the treasure of - wait for it - FREE COMPUTER WALLPAPER. Also, they replaced Aladdin's old storytelling oasis crap with that Jedi Academy thing they do in Tomorrowland, only they find treasure and go through how Harrison Ford hates snakes. I bet the kids will think its fun, but the show looks really lame.

SPEAKING OF BEING LAME...

- New Mega64 video today that made me laugh. Just watch it, and if you have my sense of humor, you WILL laugh. Just keep waiting for it...


They make fun of video games and stuff. I love it, maybe you will too. They have a new podcast every Tuesday, so check it out tomorrow.


Well, thats all I have for today. Tomorrow I'll have a freaking awesome post... but you'll have no idea what it will be about =P.


...I hate snakes.