The Jlog: PaRappa the Rappah!

Long time no see, nigglets! School has been pretty alright. The classes have gotten better for the most part, but my math teacher still has no problem trying to show off his crotch every once in a while.

But that's not what I'm here to tell you about! Today I'm here to talk to you about the best game you've never played, nor heard of.

Yeah, you read correctly.

If I had to take one game from my childhood that would lead up to the awesomeness that I am today, this would be it. PaRappa the Rapper came out all the way in '96 for the PlayStation. My sister would always go to this CD store in Camarillo (like people do that anymore), and they always had a wall full of a couple PS1 games for some random reason. One night when I was like 7 my sister came home with some game she thought would be insanely random to play because it had a dog with a microphone on the cover. And needless to say, it was.

You already know its awesome.

The story of the game is about PaRappa, a dog living out life trying to impress his best lady friend Sunny Funny, which is a walking flower. Along with their friends PJ (a teddy bear) and Katy (a cat), PaRappa must learn how to go through certain scenarios in "episodes" (levels) of the game, such as learning to fight, drive, bake cakes, and even hold his bladder for extended periods of time! Yeah, you may be thinking this is the most ridiculous game you've ever heard of, but wait- there's more! Did I mention everybody is made of PAPER?

...And I ain't talkin' bout no plumber.

The beginning of the game starts off with PaRappa and his friends hanging out at some burger joint when -BAM!- the "neighborhood bully" jumps in wanting to take quote-on-quote "munchies" from the friends. He then spots Sunny and starts to harass her! What does PaRappa do? Nothing... because he can't fight. At that moment, Joe Chin the superhero dog jumps in, and throws the bully out! Sunny is grateful, and Joe Chin asks if she wants to ditch the antromorphic animals to hang out with him- a STRONG anthromorphic animal! She agrees, leading PaRappa to get the "dog"house blues (HAHAHA IM SO FUNNY). How can he impress Sunny? By learning the way of self-defense!

Training how to fight with Chop Chop Master Onion!

The actual game isn't too difficult, either - its kind of like prehistoric Guitar Hero... or something. Each episode has a "leader", who begins the first line of the rap. As the leader raps, a track will move from left to right on the top of the screen, which shows buttons on the controller. You'll know where they are when the leader's head scrolls across the buttons. You don't get a long time to study, but when the leader is finished, you... well, follow. You have to press the same buttons in order at the exact right time, leading you to finish the rhyme of rap. It depends on what level you're on, but most of the time you'll repeat lines of what the leader says while PaRappa follows on screen completing the commands. Sometimes however, you'll get to respond with an entirely new line, such as an actual song or witty comebacks.

What happens if you miss the command as it goes by? PaRappa usually does something retarded on screen, like saying "Oops" or "OHH!" instead of what he was supposed to say until you failed. Later in the game, when it gets harder and faster, you might press a different button over the other one, which prompts PaRappa to say a RANDOM WORD. Say the phrase you were supposed to say was "Putting the cake in the oven!" (which is actually a thing he does say) and you really mess up. PaRappa might rap with a "Putting the oven in putting cake!" or something messed up, while on screen you get booed, and if you keep messing up, the background will either light on fire, PaRappa will fall, or the leader will get PISSED.

And I mean PISSED. They'll litterally start yelling at you instead of making a rap.

U rappin' GOOD.

The right side of the screen shows a meter that you have to keep up to make sure you pass the episode. Try to stay in good, as you'll need it to pass (who would've known?). Once you mess up a couple times in a row, though, you'll drop to bad. The music will get more tense, and the background will start to enter a fray of MADNESS. Once you mess up even more, and drop down to awful, the music barely sounds normal, the background will be alllllllll messed up, and your leader will be ready to backslap the smiling PaRappa. Once you fail awful, you're done. Music fades off, the leader tells you how much you suck, and PaRappa usually makes a hilarious "Awwwwwwww, man..."

But, if you're insanely amazing, you'll get past good to cool. The only way to get to this rank is if you're an experienced anthromorphic video game rapper, meaning you know the right way to improv.

Yeah, you can improv, but this doesn't mean pressing random buttons to hear PaRappa shout "OOPS" 10 times in a row. If theres space left on the track, and you allign it with the beat to the point that it makes sense still, PaRappa won't scream in terror, and actually continue using words from the phrase. Doing this correctly a couple times will result in becoming cool, apparently. You'll be so freaking cool that the leader usually gets called from someone to go somewhere else, while you're left on your own. This means you get to improv and press buttons for a while making your own rap! But, once you stop making sense ("Driving driving car driving hit the brake car!") the leader will come back, and you'll go back to good.

Hard to explain, but its easy when you play it. Here's a video of the episode where PaRappa forgets about Sunny's birthday and has to make a cake on TV... WITH A TALKING CHICKEN:

The cutscenes in this game are really freaking intense. If you have PlayStation laying around, I think you owe it to yourself to play this insanely fun game. Come on- you've been working hard, and I think its time you learn about flea markets from a homeless frog.

Seriously - I don't make this stuff up.

Hey, PaRappa the Rapper was awesome enough to spawn a sequel for the PlayStation 2 back in 2002, a cartoon series in Japan, and even a couple CDs. Now THAT'S intense.

To tell you the truth, the only reason this game was brought to mind was from the geniuses behind Mega64's new PaRappa skit. I thought it was hilarious and was totally spot on.