The Jlog

Happy New Year. Well, actually Happy January 3rd. And Merry Christmas. Look. I don't even care what you think right now. There was a total of ONE Christmas-related article, the Christmas decorations are still up, and I never fulfilled promises. But you know what? That's because you didn't deserve it this year. Nope, not at all. Its like virtual coal, and this website is your virtual stocking. And I'm Santa, beeotch. And no, I am not taking the Christmas crap down until I want to because it makes me feel nice.

Buuut anyways, as I was saying, its the New Year. 2009. So that means its time for the 1st Annual Josh Awe-Inspiring Overwhelming Magnificent Spectacularly Spectacular Awesome Year-End Award Show! Yes, I totally thought of that name myself.

So what are the Josh Awe-Inspiring Overwhelming Magnificent Spectacularly Spectacular Awesome Awards, or JAIOMSSAA for short? Its not really even an award ceremony. I basically get to crown what was awesome about 2008 and say what was the best. Because, you know, I'm the best. The best to the best. Or something.

And because I know everybody hates reading walls of words and would rather guzzle it down with pictures, I'll begin.

The MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON OF 2008 Award

Josh Serrano

After a long, long thinking session of who should win this highly honorable award, the vote was unanimous - ME.

Suck it.

Public Reaction to the Announcement! (with edits as of 1/04!)
Andres Gonzalez - "lies!!!! tell the truth god is watching!!!"
Taylor Jones - "Joshua Serrano is the most despicable person I've ever met. The [most influential] person ever should be a good person, not one who misleads and discourages others"
Josh's Mom - "Ew."
Ryan "The Game" Green - ":O! Really well its about freaking time!"
Emily DeFore - "No. Really. I can't believe you won! What the fuck stupid duck? Why didn't you tell me?"

The MOST AWESOME YOUTUBE VIDEO CONCIEVED IN 2008 Award

Where's My Money

If you watch this and DON'T call it best video of the year the first time you see it, you probably should stop reading this blog. Don't even question the video about anything- that's part of the magic, don't you see??

Besides. What is there to understand?

God, I love YouTube.

The MOST AWESOME INNOVATION TO KILL THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE Award

The Large Hadron Collider

Good job, science! You finally created a real death trap that will discover how the universe was made. Oh, but what happens if one of your guys effs up? You kinda destroy the entire the face of the Earth with a fiery explosion? Really? Great Scott!

Another reason why people who work for science suck. If scientists were pinned up against a wall with a Tyrannosaurus Rex about to eat their head off, the scientists would rather bend down for a second to see what the peculiarly colored spot is on the floor instead of jumping into the chopper three feet away.

But hey, it gives me a little more comfort knowing Gordan Freeman is on the team.

The AWESOME MOVIE OF 2008 Award

Twilight

YEEEEEEAH TWILIGHT HECK YES!!!!!11

WHAT'S THE DARK KNIGHT? WALL-E? WHAT'S THAT? JAMES BOND? NEVER HEARD OF IT. ROLE MODELS? MORE LIKE BORE MODELS LOL!

THIS MOVIE GETS A 10/10, 5 STARS, TWO THUMBS UP ITS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN I LOVE THAT EDWARD DOOD HES A HUNK LOL

BRB, GOIN TO HOT TOPIC

The LITERARY AWARD OF ACHIEVEMENT '08 Award

"Hores" by Anonymous 3rd Grader

Ah, America. Its good to know our educational system is training our kids right! Its always a good idea for a kid to know what he wants at a young age so it can pave his future path. Wait, what? I was talking about writing, what did you think I was saying?

An essay like this reminds me of that black kid from Role Models. I wonder if he had the intention of the entire paper sounding like this and just did it to mess with the teacher's head. I know I would have!

...I liked the part about hores being able to put their legs strait up. Real cute, kid.

The MOST OVERUSED QUOTE TAKEN FROM A MOVIE IN 2008 Award

Tropic Thunder
"I'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT'S STILL FUNNY EVEN AFTER THE MILLION TIMES EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY RESPONDS TO ANYONE WHO EVEN MENTIONS THE MOVIE SAYS IT HAHAHAHHAHAHA THEY'RE SO CLEVER I WISH I WAS AS CREATIVE AS THEM!!!!111

Seriously, guys. Its getting old.

...Movie wasn't even that great anyways.

The MOST AWESOME SNACK OF THE YEAR Award

Sabritones

I know that unless you're Mexican you won't actually think these things taste good (not even I think it), but COME ON. They're the most amazing tasting sensation you'll ever acquire in your mouth - Chile and Lime Corn Puffed goodness.

So what if they smell/taste like crap? Sabritones are possibly the greatest thing to grace this planet, besides myself and wolverines. And nothing beats the expression your friend gives you when you tell them how good they are and stuff a handful of Sabritones in their mouth.

Sabritoooooones!

The BIGGEST ANNOYANCE 2008 Award

Majority of Girls on MySpace

I'll toss it out of the way right now that I know people on MySpace who aren't cam whores, but the ratio of stereotypical MySpace whore to not a "LOOK AT ME" MySpace user is about 2855983475984:1 . Here's an example of a bulletin one of them might post:

Subject: ARRRRRGH @R$&#(*%^@#*%&#%&*#^%&*#$^*#$ HELP

Body:
hangin out wit amyyyyyyyyyy LOL
leave a cmmnt bitchezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
pc4pc on newww defaultttt?
:P lol thanksss

The most obvious signs that you're messing with the stereotypical breed is if they have millions of pictures of them and their friends taking pictures off a bathroom mirror (when they could EASILY point it at themselves instead of using a bathroom mirror) for the sole intention of looking like a skank.

So, this award's out to all of you out there, MySpace Stereotypes. Thanks for making 2008 an especially annoying year. You know who you are.

The I CAN'T LOOK AT THIS WITHOUT LAUGHING AWESOME PICTURE OF THE YEAR Award

Serious Tommy is Serious

This picture alone made me laugh uncontrollably when I saw it for the first time.

I have no idea why. So I thought hey, I'm giving out awards, why not give one to my brother Serious Tommy?!

The 2008 (Q.Q) DON'T CRY EMO KID AWESOME PICTURE Award

Ducks

...;_;

This one doesn't even need an explanation.

RIP Ducks :(

The BEST JLOG BLOG ENTRY OF 2008 Award

This One

Y'all READING it!

The JLOG HONORARY AWESOME VIOLENCE Award

Left 4 Dead

Sorry, just had to mention how insanely awesome it is to light zombies on fire and the next second you're being eaten by one of the said zombies on fire.

These are the Awesome awards, and come on, who doesn't think zombies and gore are awesome?!

The JLOG HONORARY VIDEO GAME OF THE YEAR Award

The Naked Brothers Band: The Video Game

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was my expression when I played THE NAKED BROTHERS BAND VIDEO GAME. THOSE GUYS ARE SUCH GOOD SINGERS I'M SO GLAD I GOT TO SING ALONG WITH THEM!!!!

Excellent game, excellent music, if you didn't get this for Christmas, YOU'RE MISSING OUT.

The MOST MISSED ACTOR WHO PASSED AWAY IN 2008 THAT WAS REALLY GOOD IN THAT SUPERHERO MOVIE BECAUSE HE PLAYED A CLOWN THAT MADE JOKES ABOUT BEING SERIOUS AND PENCILS THAT CAUSED TONS OF PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD TO FIND SAID CLOWN CHARACTER RELEVANT AGAIN AFTER BEING UNPOPULAR FOR A WHILE Honorary Person Award

Heath Ledger

We'll miss you, bro!

Loved you in Ocean's 13!

---
And that's all I got for now. I worked on this far longer than I wanted to but hey, quality over quantity. That's what the Jlog is all about. Or maybe I'm just digging my thoughts for something to conclude this god-awful article with. I don't even know. My New Years Resolution is to be less lazy. Maybe I won't forgot to post here this year, but whatever. Who knows, right? Right.

And goodnight.

EDIT: Wait. I forgot an award.

The HONORARY AWESOME NON-CATEGORIZED ACHIEVEMENT OF 2008
Goes to Gabe. Because he's cool like that.

Here's a Mario cookie. Because I know you've always wanted to consume a Mario. Now you can live your dream of being a Piranha Plant! :D

Or something! :D

I have no idea! :D

EDIT 2: Well, I guess ~~I keep feeling guilty~~ I'm forgetting awards left and right tonight. Anywho!

The MOST AWESOME ROCK BAND DRUMMER THAT CAN ACTUALLY PLAY THROUGH A SONG ON EXPERT AND 5 STAR IT WITHOUT EVEN TRYING Award
Goes to Ryan. Only because he had the best Halloween costume ever.

Well, here you go Ryan. I like the new gynormous muscles and blue tinted skin look you got going on!

But seriously, you and me need to get two more people and start an insanely awesome band one of these days. Just, please don't put Michael on vocals, k? :D

Alright, its the 11th. I know, 14 days until Christmas are only left, but you know what? Its not like you care. You put up your Christmas decorations around this time anyway, and then they're put down in about 2 weeks. You don't even care. So this shouldn't be any different. Better late than never. Now that THAT's over...

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO.

I drew a picture.

I wish I could put that much creativity into this season's Jlog logo, but you know what? I'm lazy. I'm a very busy man.

So I was thinking to myself just the other day what the best way to open up my little mini season here would be. I'm late, I'm lazy, and I've done nothing creative, I told myself. With that in mind, I thought all the way back to Halloween and Zombie Bernie Mac. How novel of an idea that was!, I said in my head. I should totally do something like that again!

Well, look what I found...

This is ~~Grow Your Own~~ AMAZING SANTA HOLY JESUS LOOK AT HOW AMAZING THAT IS

SO AMAZING I THINK MY HEAD'S GOING TO IMPLODE

I got this as a Christmas present last year and kinda lost it until just now. It kinda looks like someone stabbed a thing of cardboard through the end Santa's already decapitated head and stuck boots on it.

Apparently, it works by putting this "MAGIC WATER" (all caps, by the way) in its little bowl under his boots. But after actually looking at it, I think I figured out something that might possibly result in my death.

Come on now. Does that LOOK like water? How about MAGICAL water?

It doesn't look like neither.

I opened it up and being the daredevil that puts himself on the edge for entertaining the less-than-5 people that read this blog, I took a whiff. I would say I'm a very descriptive narrator when it comes to smelling things (no that's what she saids necessary), and I mean it when I say this little packet smells like DEATH. No, wait, scratch that.

DEATH IN BIG RED LETTERS.

There's like a mixture of piss and chlorine going on here. Mixed with peanuts. And more piss. And maybe a little bit more chlorine. Basically, its like your average Hurricane Harbor swimming area.

It doesn't make it any much easier to swallow also knowing that there's an EFFING CRYSTAL IN IT. You can't see from the picture, but maybe 25% of the bag contains a CRYSTAL. I won't stop talking in all-caps until I make a point, THERE'S A CRYSTAL IN IT. Maybe its for mutating? Who knows.

But none-the-less, I poured this potentially lethal air poisoned bag of piss into the cup to pleasure Santa. Wait, no, I take that back. That sounds dirty.

Oh, wait, I need to give him a thoughtful and tasteful name. As always.

Say hello to Zombie Chris Farley.

The package says that it will grow in less than 24 hours, so no daily updates this time. I'll take pictures whenever the heck I feel like it.

Oh, and about the original Zombie Bernie Mac? He accidentally got thrown out before I got to take a picture of him, poor guy. The bottle he was in actually turned SQUARE somehow, and my only explanation of this phenomenon is Zombie Bernie Mac could bend space and time because he's cool like that. Or maybe I could take Chemistry class, but I like playing make-believe. Oh, and it got moldy. Really moldy.

So, uh, not all of the Christmas articles are going to be like this. I'll be delivering in bite-sized nuggets this time, with stuff I think is awesome by Josh standards and whether you should buy/eat/watch/look/snort/make-out with. You'll see.

If I can ever stop being lazy, that is.

The Jlog

Fool.

The 1st Annual 2008 Josh Awe-Inspiring Overwhelming Magnificent Spectacularly Spectacular Awesome Awards. Of 2008.

Christmas 08: A-FREAKING-MAZING Santa.

Christmas News.

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