Return of the King.

And by that I mean two things:

1) ME.
2) The subject of tonight's post.

You should know by now how lazy and unproductive I get for the three out of four seasons of the year, and the moment Summer starts it all just explodes into a post-a-day brilliance you saw last Summer. Or you didn't, because you probably didn't read it. But seriously, you shouldn't just go take a look-see at the old writin's. They're, like, ew. No pictures. But yeah, I'm redesigning the blog so thats why everything has been in shambles. And as for the lack of content... no excuses, I'm a horrible person, yada yada yada.

Anyways! I've brought you here tonight to discuss something that just CAN NOT be ignored. If aliens were to land on the planet Earth with chocolate cake, I don't think this occurence could ailenate the one I'm about to talk about. This is so catastrophically big that even the rebirth of Jesus couldn't take the spotlight (sorry Jesus, we still cool right?).

What, am I talking about you ask?

It's the return...




You don't even know how excited I was when I found these again. I was walking down the street with some people when one of my friends threw out in a monotone voice "Hey, I guess the Shamrock Shake's back." I know now how completely retarded I must have looked, but I honestly just stopped. And stared across the street at McDonald's. And held my mouth open unconsciously. And then some other things happened too. But I'm pretty sure my mind exploded.

Back in the late '90s I would go to McDonald's almost every day in March JUST for the festive Shamrock Shake. I was crazy about these things. I think I loved them more than life itself. Well, maybe that's not true, but it certainly did make St. Patrick's Day special for me and my friends around then.

So, if you've been living under an anti-awesome-things rock for the past 30 years, here's a little history lesson for you.

You might have thought the 1980s were all about heavy mousse usage, time traveling, pink tuxedos, and Duran Duran, but little did you know that, along with New Coke, the Shamrock Shake was the most long-lasting and greatest invention to come out of the period. McDonald's felt they weren't already subliminally brain washing kids through advertising enough, so they started producing commercials starring McDonaldland's Grimace and his very own uncle, Uncle O'Grimace, telling kids to celebrate Saint Patty's by drinking green milkshakes. Creative, isn't it? I guess they thought celebrating a special milkshake for Black History Month featuring Lil' Grimma would have been too controversial.

Anyways, the public still ate it up (wow, two puns in one post!), so much in fact that they added it to their seasonal dessert menu. One year, McDonald's even added a Shamrock Sundae to the roster. And well, its needless to say Ronald and the Hamburgler took a couple vacations with all the money they so shamelessly took. So, remember this, young business models: desserts based on racial profiling earns you tons of money!

According to McDonald's, Irish people are green

But, sadly, those days are gone. McDonald's have moved on to bigger and easier-money-related things. Shamrock Shakes were discontinued since at least 2000, when they began phasing them out. And even before that, Uncle O'Grimmacy stopped molesting little kids' minds in the late '90s.

It was a devastating blow to the millions of customers around the world. I mean, just look at what has happened since McDonald's discontinued the beloved shake. 9/11 occured. Hurricane Katrina swamped up houses. Even Nickelback became a best-seller. I believe Bush only started to become a sad president thanks to his quench for a Shamrock Shake through the years as well.

But, those days are over. We have OBAMA NOW. And I guess electing an African American president has already shown its effect on the world: McDonald's finally resurrected the Shamrock Shake. Hallelujah! 2009 is the best year in like the history of the WORLD.

So, what is a Shamrock Shake basically? All it is is a mint flavored milkshake. That's GREEN. Like, REALLY green.

Yeah. That's all it is.

"But wait a second, bucko!" you cry out from your spinny office chair. "I can get mint milkshakes anywhere! Why is one being sold by a clown any different?"

Well, that's exactly what I thought when I retried the Shamrock Shake for the first time in around 10 years. The moment I took my first sip, I realized it tasted EXACTLY the same as how I remembered it, and that taste... is pretty okay. I mean, its just mint. But for some reason you just can not forget or deny how good the shake really is. Its cheap... but its comforting. Kind of like coming home from college to see that your family dog and best friend growing up passed away... but hey! Look at that, there's a hot juicy meatloaf on the counter, just like Mom used to make. If you see what I mean.

That caused me to think, though. Why did I think these were the best thing since Vault back in the day? Was I an ignorant kid, with no other personal taste preferences to feed off of (oh wow, third pun)? Why were these the epitamy of St. Patrick's Day?

My guess? They didn't have juice boxes filled with Guiness at the time.

This girl is obviously thrilled for a Shamrock Shake.

So, that's pretty much all I have to say about the Shamrock Shake. It's delicious, but not really delicious, but is still addicting for reasons unknown. I say pick one up during March. It'll be just like the '90s all over again. You can come over to my place and we'll watch old Hey Arnold! reruns and play Pogs while listening to Nirvana and drinking Capri-Sun. Just like old times.


Guess what I'm drinking right now.

Yeah, you guessed correctly. Vault.


I made a video.

Hey. Don't be jealous for my rave cup and video editing skills.